My friends make getting with girls look easy as fuck. Nothing works for me, I don’t get it. Maybe I’m so anxious that I ask the right questions at the wrong time and it sets them off. Who knows. I’m not playing the nice guys finish last bullshit either because its not all necessarily true. Am I not that interesting to talk to? Possbily. Not good looking enough? More than likely. Does my personality compare so low to every person I am competing with? Who knows. I sure as fuck don’t. I’ve dropped my standards pretty low, not low enough to the point where I wouldn’t respect myself for going after that girl, but low enough to the point where you’d think maybe I’d have a fucking shot. Nothing. I don’t get it. At this point I would love to set off on a new course, move somewhere where nobody knows me. But then I run into the same problems as I previously stated. Forever alone is a surreal possiblity. However, not one I plan on living with. Family is major in my life, so if I can’t have one of my own, there wouldn’t be a point in continuing to be around. But that’s an issue I would only consider way down the line. I thought I was making progress today and I just know that I basically got nowhere. It’s discouraging. How does anyone expect a guy who has been single for almost 4 years to have any confidence whatsoever. I’m giving it my all and getting nothing in return. That is my life in a nutshell. If karma truly existed, I would love to know when the good is going to come.
Some people seem to confuse the term family and friends. They think their close group of friends is their “family” while leaving actual family in the fucking dust and only coming back when you need something from them
This used to be the holiday that meant everything. 4th of July. It used to be you were looked down upon by everyone if you didn’t call off or at least show up the lake that for a day. Fast forward to today. It so far is just my parents and myself. Didn’t buy fireworks, no big plans. This day that means so much turned into just a normal day. I don’t understand how I can be apart of this family when family means so much to me and the idea of traditions is such a great thing, yet it means nothing to anyone else in the family. It sickens me. Usually I would never think of going anywhere else for this day, but if it keeps up like this then I really don’t have too much of a choice. It hurts. My grandma would be heartbroken if she knew this is what this holiday has turned into for us. The highlight of my summer means nothing anymore. When I have my own family, it will once again be the tradition that I was brought up believing it was.
“All the things that you are
Beautifully broken, alive in my heart
And know that you are everything
Let your heart sing and tonight
We’ll light up the stars”—The Goo Goo Dolls, “All That You Are” (via bubbles-and-bowties)
I said earlier today, I have so much to say and no place to say it. So I’ve resorted to tumblr. This is kind of the last place I really wanted to vent…not even vent so much as talk and express what has been on my mind. I don’t like texting my friends about this stuff cause one of two things: 1. They truly don’t give a shit or 2. They care, but nobody wants to listen to people bitch. Honestly, I can’t blame them. So I just don’t bring anything up to them.
Anyways… It’s that time of year again. Summer. I love it and hate it. Love because I’m off of school, I’m making money and get to have fun with friends more often than during school. Hate it because I feel alone a lot. Summer seems to be that time where most everyone is busy with jobs or they have significant others that they hang out with all the time. So people like me, (with the very few days off that I have with 2 jobs and an internship) usually get left in the dust and most of the time I do nothing with my spare time. Or people just really don’t like me, kind of a toss up there but not something I want to dwell on. But when I do get out with my friends its usually kinda weird for me cause most of them aren’t single so they get to do many of the things I want to do. I wish I could just call up a girl and be like, hey come over watch a movie and lets cuddle. Or go to a concert and hold her when a slower song comes on or when it gets cold and I can keep her warm. Yeah, I’m that sensitive guy. Many of my friends know that, especially the friends of mine probably reading this. It’s just the little things missing from my life that keep this great time of year from being perfect. Well, I guess it could go for the whole year… But you get my point.
There are a few girls that I like. But of course me being blessed with a brain and feelings, god forgot looks and any game whatsoever. I’m not trying to rush into anything with the wrong person. So I’m taking things slow, trying to find someone that I can make something last with, not just a joke 3 month relationship that a fucking middle schooler can pull off. I want the real thing. I’m young and have time, but in a year I’m going to start pursuing a career and my time to have these experiences are dwindling. Oh not to mention every movie I watch for some reason has a love plot that feeds me false hope like an IV in my arm.
Moving on. My friends. Dear lord how many do I have left? I don’t know what it is, but I’m tired of trying to reach out to people and not get anything. I genuinely love my friends and would do anything for them, but is it too much to ask to hang out every once in a while or maybe text more than once every few weeks? I’m not trying to call anyone out for this because I understand, they have a life, as do I. And hell, I’d even understand if they told me they don’t like me anymore so I don’t have to waste effort on them….Jesus Christ, I feel like this whole section (or whole post even?) is going to be strongly misinterpretted and that’s why I’d rather talk to someone about these type of things so they can bounce questions off of me to make what I’m trying to say more clear, and less like finger pointing like this paragraph may sound like.
I guess the whole point of this rant is, I love this time of year, I just don’t have many people to share it with like back in high school. The years pass and the memories created thin with each passing year. Maybe not for all, but for me yes. My fault? Other people’s fault? It shouldn’t matter. I’m attempting to change that and in some ways it has worked out. But the overwhelming lonely feeling still exists. Nobody other than myself can make that go away, but it sure as hell isn’t easy.
There are probably other issues I could talk about right now, but I’m too tired to think of them off hand. And I’d like to repeat, this rant was not for the purposes of calling people out or like subtweeting. It was merely a general, state of Jeremy’s fucked up head. If you managed to read all of this, god bless ya and thank you for caring enough to read it.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs:I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President, the bible does.
President Josiah Bartlet:Yes it does. Leviticus...I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important 'cause we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: While you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.